conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
