I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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