My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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