Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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