i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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