I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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