So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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