I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
