I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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