I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
