Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
