oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
try to milk me bitch
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