Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
