He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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