life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize