Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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