My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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