How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
