i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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