Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
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Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
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party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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