just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
