ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
