Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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