Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
