I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
