I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
