Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize