i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
