She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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