Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
