I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
