Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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