I heard we made out
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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