First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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