____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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