He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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