My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
