bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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