Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
