put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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