He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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