Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
