hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
