i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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