I wish my penis had an off switch
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
