Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
