I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
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Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
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He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
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