'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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