So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
