I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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