Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
