dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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