Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
