M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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