my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
