Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
