And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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