I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
